When my first son
Left on a mission
The feeling I had
Was familiar.

He would probably be gone
For 2 years.
Two years without me.
Or more accurately,
As other Missionary Moms know,
Two years without him.

And I was excited for him.
I was.
Well, I was really trying to be
Because he was excited.
And we both knew
He would grow
In amazing ways
From the experience.
But that didn’t mean
I was excited for me.
Both could be true.
But I could love and sacrifice
And let him go.

And as I pondered on
Why the feeling was familiar
Because this was my first time
As a missionary mom.
My first son
My first child
My first baby boy.
I realized
Why.

It felt vaguely reminiscent
Of another time
That he had gone without me
Or more accurately,
I had gone without him.

He was my first baby.
And after 9 months
Of being literally inseparable
He was born.
And then we were only
Separated by a wall
Between our bedrooms
But I was within hearing distance
So that made it possible
For me to sleep.

So one day
When he was a few weeks old,
I had to leave
Probably to go to the store
And my sweet husband
Promised to take care of him
While I was gone.
And I would only be gone
For a short time.

But nevertheless and notwithstanding,
It felt like a big deal.
And I told my husband
That he could do what he wanted
Because moms and dads
Approach things differently
Sometimes;

But also
Here are some things about him
That I’ve learned from experience.
Some things you can consider:

He likes his bottle this warm
And it’s probably best
If you burp him right afterwards.
And you can give him this toy
While you change his diaper
Because he likes it.
And please don’t leave him on the couch
Because he could roll over
At any time.
And this is his favorite blanket.

Things my husband already knew,
But I felt better about leaving them
Because I was saying them out loud.

Fast forward 18 years.
My baby boy
Now a baby adult
Would be leaving me this time.

And it felt familiar
Because instead of leaving him with my husband,
I was trusting him with God.
And there were some things
I wanted Him to consider
Even though He knew more than me.

I told Him
That He could do what He wanted
Because He and I
Approach things differently
Sometimes;
But also
Here are some things about
This baby boy
That I’ve learned from experience:

“He loves sunsets
So could You please
Send him one
When he’s feeling discouraged?
And when he’s missing his truck
Could You please
Send him somewhere
Where he might see one?
And when he’s sad,
You know, he really loves sunshine.”

Things I’m sure God already knew
But I felt better about things
Because I was saying them out loud.

“And I trust You.
Well, I’m trying to trust You more.
Please help me
Like You helped the father in the Bible
Who said,
‘I believe…Lord help mine unbelief.’ (1)
And also
Is this a small glimpse
Into how You felt?
When You sent Your Son?
Then I know You understand
About love and sacrifice.
And thank You.”

And at the end of 2 years
My son returned home.
And that joyful day at the airport
As he hugged me tightly
He whispered in my ear
“We did it.”

And he was right.
Because we had both learned a lot
About love and sacrifice
During his mission.
And during my mission
As a missionary mom.

(1) Mark 9:24