I’ve had this impression
On my heart
For a while
To share.
Share some reflections
Some musings
On faith
On motherhood
On life.

Not gonna lie
It’s terrifying.
But as terrifying
As vulnerability is
I am reminded
Of another time
When God asked me
To do something else
That was difficult
And a little terrifying.

One Easter Sunday
I still remember
The exact spot
On the road
When Jared nonchalantly
Said to me:
“I think there are five.”
Five?
Like, 5 babies?!
I was just getting over
Morning sickness
During my 3rd pregnancy.
So the overwhelming thought
That brought me to tears
Was
How am I going to do this
2 MORE TIMES?!

When we were engaged
We knew we wanted kids.
And I wasn’t naive enough
To think we really
Had much control over
Any of it.
Like how many boys
And how many girls
We wanted.
I was actually kind of annoyed
At that moment in my life
That there was so much
I didn’t have control over –
Like my parents’ divorce.
And I think Jare
Was just relieved
That I had warmed up
To the idea of marriage.
But that’s a story
For another time.

So at one point, I said:
We’ll just know
When they are all here,
Right?
And Jared confidently said:
Right.
So I felt relieved
That the matter was settled.
Because if he agreed
Then I was definitely right.
Because he’s smarter than me.

So baby #1 was a son
And we knew he wasn’t the last one.
And baby #2 was a son.
And we knew he wasn’t the last one.
And even though
I still believed
That we would know
When they were all here,
That was when I realized
I was secretly hoping
That it would be 2-3 babies.
Tops.

And after that Easter Sunday
When Jared said
He thought there were five,
I think I went through
The stages of grief.
And did you know,
There are 5 of them?

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Phase 1 – Denial
Jared was probably mistaken.
I even had a friend tell me later
“I remember you saying
You thought there were 5 babies
Back before you had any.”
Really?
Well I was very successful
At repressing that memory
And that impression
Because I have no recollection
Of that.
At all.
I guess that’s why
He had to go tell Jared.

Phase 2 – Anger
Why would God really
Ask me to do this?
Doesn’t He know
How tired I am?
How sick I’ve been?
How hard this is?
How unqualified I am?

Phase 3 – Bargaining
You know,
(I told God)
There are so many other women
Who are more qualified
And would
Handle this
Much better than I would.
So why not ask them?
I might have even given Him
Some names.

Phase 4 – Depression
I really don’t think I can do this.
And I’m really sorry
That I’m going to disappoint You
Yet again.
I just can’t.

Phase 5 – Acceptance
It only came
Because of the examples
From people in the scriptures
And people in my real life
Who had testified
When God asked them
To do something hard
And they tried to do it
He helped them.
So I clung to that.
And gathered every bit of faith
That I had
To move forward.

And we welcomed
Baby #3
Our only girl.
And we knew she wasn’t the last one.

And then Baby #4 was a boy.
And we knew he wasn’t the last one.

And finally
The finale
Our caboose
Baby #5
A boy.

And we knew he was the last one.
But not right away
Because I was too afraid to ask
Until he was a few months old.

And even though
I was tired
And sick
And it was so hard,
God helped me
Get them all here
Just like He said he would.
And now I have
5 babies
5 people
5 miracles
5 living evidences
To remind me every single day
That with God
All things are possible.

So that’s why I’m here
Sharing personal stories
From my diary.
Because I always want to remember
That with God
All things are possible.
And how grateful I am
For Him.

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