My second son
Chose to serve a mission.

But his decision was only made
After a worthy wrestle
Between him and God,
While I tried
To figure out
What my role was
As a mom
In all of it.

He and I
Talked at length
About the reasons
Why it could be good
For him to go.
And what his other options were
If he didn’t go.
And I reassured my dear son
That I would support
His decision
Whatever he chose
No matter what.
And that I would love him
No matter what.
And so would God.

Because ultimately,
I tried to do
What God has done for me
Again and again:
Allow.
Allow him to choose for himself.

In the meantime,
I kept trying to remember,
And remind him,
That this was between him
And his Father in Heaven.
This was his decision
And his path
And his journey.

And I tried to remember
That no matter what he chose,
This wasn’t the end.
God wasn’t done with him.
And that his decision
Could never be
Too big
Or too small
Or too right
Or too wrong
That God wouldn’t be able
To work with it
And create something with it
For his good
If he let Him.

And I remembered
My dear friend Pam
Telling me
That at one point
With her adult son,
Someone basically told her
She needed to get out
Of God’s way
So He could do His job.

And honestly,
It was a strange new place
For a mom to go,
Who had been in the role
Of a mediator
For so long.
And it stung a little
Before the relief set in
That I’m actually
Not the boss of him
(As my other son taught me here.)

But I tried my best
To get out of the way
So God could do His job.

And I was reminded
Of how God
Does such a beautiful job.
And how He is so good.
And how He really does
Speak to us individually.
Because He knows us
Individually.

Because I later asked my son
About his prayers
And about how God answered.
And he said
He asked God –
More than once –
If He wanted him to serve a mission.

And God answered him back:
“You already know the answer.”

And it was true.
He already knew the answer.

But because I know my son,
I also personally think
That when my he asked the question,
Part of what
He was really asking
Was:

“Will You really help me
Like you promised?”

“Will You really be with me
The entire time?”

And

“Do You really think I can do this?”

Because I know a little bit
About asking for reassurance
From heaven
More than once.

And I think
There is a difference
Between asking God
More than once
For reassurance

Versus

Asking God
More than once
To please reconsider His answer
Because I think I know better;
And because I think I know
More than He does.

The motive is different.

And God knows the difference
Even if I can’t quite
Put it into words.
He hears the inquiries
Of my heart
And then answers them
In a way
That speaks to my heart.

And I was also reminded
That the way He answers my son
Is different than the way
He answers me;
Because He speaks his language.
And He speaks my language.
And they are different,
Because we are different.
And I was reminded of how
God really does love
Each of us individually.

And you know what?
My son did know the answer.
And God really did help him
Just like He promised.
And God really was with him
The entire time.
And God really did
Think that he could do it.

But if he hadn’t gone,
The truth is:

God would still really help him
And would still be with him
The entire time
Just like He promised.
And at the end of his mission
AKA his life,
I believe
That He would still say
To my dear son:
“I knew you could do it.
And I love you.”

And I can’t wait
To hug him at the airport
When he gets home
And tell him again:
I knew he could do it.
And that I love him.

Picture credit