I wrote about
That time my dad died, here.
But that’s not
Where the story ended.
Because it never really ends.
Because: God.

So this post is about
A few of the miracles
That came,
After I chose to trust God,
After my dad died.

First of all,
My Auntie
Quickly knew
That at least one reason
That he died
Was to help his parents
To do missionary work
On the other side
Of the veil.
And teach people about Jesus,
Probably in Japanese.
And so
At my dad’s funeral,
We sang
“Called To Serve”
As the closing song.
In case
You aren’t familiar
With that song,
It’s an upbeat, missionary song;
Which is funny because
It’s not the sad hymn
You typically hear
At funerals.
And funny
Because that song
Is forever changed
For me,
Like an inside joke.
And after that,
Whenever we would sing it –
Typically at missionary farewells –
It would bring up several emotions
For me.
But ultimately
It makes me laugh
About that one time
That we sang a really happy song
At my dad’s funeral.

(Click here to listen to the song.)

During the days
And weeks
That followed his funeral,
I received
An abundance of:
Support
Flowers
Love
From friends and family.
And I was grateful.

But I also felt
So weighed down
Heavy with grief,
And confused
About what had happened.
It was so sudden.

And I remember
Feeling torn
Between trusting God
And pushing Him away
In anger.
Sometimes I would just
Go back and forth
Several times
In a day.
It felt like a spiritual roller coaster
And sometimes
Whiplash.

I finally chose to pray
And I told Him
I didn’t want to feel
This weight of grief
Like wet sandbags on my heart.
And I gathered courage
Expecting the answer to be “not yet”
Because grief takes time.

But I asked anyway:
Can you please remove it?
And He did.
Instantly.

And I opened my eyes
And looked around my room.
Because
It literally left.
And I was so shocked
Because much of the time
Answers to my prayers come
Slowly
Like a sunrise
And this was like a light switch.

And I learned that
He can take our pain from us
In an instant.
Which meant
To me
That when He doesn’t
He must have His reasons.

And even though
The reprieve wasn’t permanent,
That experience gave me courage
To continue trusting
That God was in all of this
Somehow.
And to keep asking:
What else could I know
About this?
About why?

And even when
Answers didn’t come right away,
Blessings of gratitude came:
Gratitude for my husband
For my kids
For everyone in my life
Who was still here.

It was hard at times
Not to feel wistful
Or envious
About people
Whose dads were still alive,
Especially
When someone would tell me
They were sorry I was hurting,
Because they didn’t even
Like their dad
Very much.
And I loved mine.

But there had to be reasons.

And so I continued
To ask
If I could know more.
And more answers came
Not like a light switch
But like a sunrise.

One answer
Was that
In some ways
He really could do more
To help our family on earth
From the other side.

And one beautiful thing
That came relatively quickly,
Was that it helped our family
Learn how to treasure
Those who were still here
With a little more intention.

And because of that,
I was grateful for the time
My husband was able
To spend with his dad
And his brothers;
And cherish that time
With their own dad.
And I took more pictures
Of their family
When we were together.
And then
In a tragic and unexpected plot twist
It was his oldest brother
Who suddenly passed away.
Which is a whole other story.
But we might not have
Treasured those moments
Before,
If not for what had happened
With my dad.

And then there were the times
In the years that followed –
Several moments –
When I felt very lucky enough
To know that my dad was nearby.

He came to my kids’
Baby blessings
Baptisms
And other family gatherings.
I could feel him there.

And there was a time
When I had an ultrasound
On my thyroid
To rule out cancer.
And as I laid there
With eyes closed,
And ultrasound gel
On my neck,
Suddenly
I knew
My dad was sitting
On the side of the table
Just as he had done
When I was little.
He would sit
On the side of my bed
And tell me bedtime stories
That he made up
Before he would say goodnight.

Tears came.
In my mind
I asked him
If he was there
Because something was wrong
Or because everything was fine.
And in my mind
He just smiled.
And later I learned
That I did have nodules
But I didn’t have cancer.

And then there was
Another time
When I had another ultrasound
For the other half of my thyroid
And he wasn’t sitting
On the side of the table
And I was upset for a moment.
Why wasn’t he there this time?
And then,
I felt like
He was there.
This time he was standing
Over by the technician
Checking out the screen.
And maybe
Probably
Telling him to be thorough.
And once again
I learned
That I did have nodules
But I didn’t have cancer.

One answer came
4-5 years later,
As I sat at church
With baby #4
In a baby carrier
Next to me,
And I listened to a dear friend
Teach about how much
God cares about us.
And in that meeting,
The Spirit quietly whispered to me
That my dad
Hadn’t wanted to go.
He had wanted to stay here
With us.
And he only went
Because he chose
To be obedient
To the will of his Heavenly Father.
And I can only guess
That blessings were promised to him
On our behalf
If he obeyed
Because of the things
I had already noticed.
And I remembered the tear
That had rolled down his cheek
During his last few breaths
And it made more sense.
There was sadness behind it,
As we had suspected
And I had a little more insight
About why.
And I was so grateful.

Grateful
That he was an example
Of obedience
In life
And in death.
And I’m so grateful
That he’s still around
Still involved.
And one day,
We will sit together
And I’ll tell him
About my favorite moments with him
After he died.
And he can tell me about his.