best mom ever

Allison was shopping
With her friend
And said to her:
“I’m gonna get you this keychain!”
And she held up
A keychain
That said
In big, bold colorful letters:
”BEST MOM EVER.”

And her friend
Did not even hesitate
To answer:
“No.
I don’t want that.”

Allison asked:
“Because you’re not the best mom?”

And her friend shook her head,
And said:
“Nah, that’s way too much pressure.”

And I laughed
And laughed.
Because why is that
So true?

And I started thinking:
How would
THE Best Mom Ever
Even be chosen?

Would it be like
A dog show?
The judges
(who would judge?)
Would line up all the moms
That ever lived
And first check
Their teeth
And their weight?
And then
Like a beauty pageant,
The question round would begin.
And instead of
A swimsuit competition,
Everything you’ve ever done
Or not done
As a mom
Is exposed?

Judges would sit
At a table
And fire off questions
One at a time.

For a good answer,
Points would be awarded
To your score,
And they would smile.

And for a bad answer,
Points would be deducted
From your score,
While the judges
Shook their heads
Disapprovingly.
Judgingly.

And what would the questions be?

Did you cook dinner for your children?
Or did you get takeout?
Did you celebrate their birthdays with a Pinterest-worthy birthday cake?
Did you make sure they had a party?
Did you get the perfect gift?
Did you let them have too much screen time?
Did you ever lose your temper?
Or did you remain calm?
Did you ever feel like running away?
Did they ever hear you swear?
Did your toddler ever swear because he heard you swear?
Did you ever feel like you didn’t like your children?
Did you make sure there were fresh flowers and your house was clean?
Did you teach them: Morals? How to clean? The alphabet?
Did you get up and make them breakfast before school?
Or did you stay in bed yelling “Did you brush your teeth?” right before they got picked up for school?
Did you go a day (or a few days) without a shower when they were babies?
Did you bottle-feed or breastfeed them?
Did you always obey traffic laws when they were in the car with you?
Or did you get a speeding ticket because your baby was about to fall asleep and you didn’t want to miss out on his naptime?
Did you ever turn left illegally out of a parking lot so you wouldn’t be late to carpool, but then you got pulled over and you got a ticket and you were late anyway?
Did you help them make a cute box for Valentine’s Day in elementary school?
Or did you send them with a paper grocery bag from December that said “Happy Holidays” on it?
Did you ever forget to pick them up from school? From practice?
Did you always send them to school on the first day?
Or did you ever send them to preschool a week late because you didn’t remember when it started?
Did you ever accidentally lock your keys in the car? With your baby?
Did you ever not return your shopping cart to the appropriate area because your baby was crying and it was kind of far away?
Did your kids ever tell you they were going to write “Wash your freaking hands!” on your tombstone because you said it all the time?
Did you ever tell them they were being so loud in the car that your head was going to explode and then you’d be dead so they would have to clean your brains off the dashboard?
Did you laugh a little too hard as you wrote this imaginary list of questions?
Did you ever intentionally or unintentionally ever do anything to cause your children hurt in any way – mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally?

This contest sounds awful.
And she’s right.
It’s too much pressure.
And who else
Is in this competition?
Mother Eve?
The Virgin Mary?
No thanks.

So in my mind
I crumpled up
The piece of paper
With the list of questions.
Because the reality is:
So much of motherhood
Cannot be quantified.
It can’t be simplified
To “yes or no” questions.
It’s complicated
And nuanced.
Add to that,
What makes the best mom
For one child
Would not be the best
For another.

And one thing I know
FOR SURE
Is that
The best moms
Absolutely cannot
Be measured
By how her kids turn out.

And so
I wrote on a new piece of paper:
2+5=5000
AKA Jesus Math.

Because He takes
Whatever I offer
As a mom
And He multiplies
And magnifies.

When I try my best,
Sometimes
It feels like 2 points.
Sometimes
It feels like 5 points.
Sometimes
It feels like 0 points.
And sometimes
It definitely feels like
Negative points.

And I know, I know
It doesn’t make sense.
Because a positive number
Multiplied by a negative number
Is a negative number.

But He still does it.
I’ve seen it.
Whatever I do
Or don’t do
As a mom,
He still multiplies it
To equal 5000,
Sometimes more.
And He just keeps doing it.
Because I still have
More learning to do.

So it’s great news
That such a contest
For Best Mom Ever
Doesn’t exist.

And the even better news
Is that Jesus doesn’t actually keep points.
He’s more interested
In what I’m becoming
In the process.

And my very wise friend Kelli,
Who is also a mom,
Reminded her kids:

“If I was a perfect mom,
You wouldn’t need Jesus.
And you wouldn’t need to learn
About His atonement.
So
You’re welcome.”

And for the record,
Whatever your answers are
To those imaginary questions
DO NOT
A good mom
Or a bad mom
Make.

In my humble opinion.

Since there are no points,
They cannot be tallied
To determine
If someone is
A good mom
Or
A bad mom
Or
The best mom.

And also
In case you’re wondering
What my answers are,
To every single question:

Yes.
Sometimes.

So despite
All that I have
Done
Learned
Lived
I still don’t know
What it would even entail
To become THE best mom ever.
But I can say
With confidence –

Along with
So many
Amazing moms and women
That I know personally –

That I tried my best.

And I would
Gladly
Proudly
Authentically
Buy a keychain
That said that.

“MOM you tried your BEST!”

(patent pending! haha!)